Sunday Morning

I don't know why but I've been slightly depressed again the last day or so. I know when I'm starting to slide back into depression. I can't seem to find the energy or the motivation to get anything done. I got my board orders all filled for SF this morning, which leaves me with not much to do.

Whit is off on spring break from school this week, so she will be here until Wednesday and then she will be going to her dads for the rest of the week. I just know that by Wednesday I am going to be pulling my hair out and more than ready for a few days to relax. She is 11, almost twelve and in a very mouthy and defiant stage at the moment. Sometimes it's all I can do not to lose my temper with her, button pushing is one of her favorite pastimes as of late.

I think that not really having anyone to talk to here is really beginning to get to me. I know I should get out more, but don't really have anyone to visit or anyplace to go since I have moved here. I take walks a lot, if nothing else but for the exercise and freah air. I may go days at a time without speaking to anyone offline but my daughter. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy, and I was as good at making friends as some people I know are, life would be so much easier. Sometimes I want to belive god made me different than other people for a reason, but somtimes still, it hurts not to just be like everyone else.

Men (insert explatives here) I am not amused..

I don't think I am ever going to understand the male half of the species. Take for instance the big blowup between my ex chaz, and one of my good friends Mike. let me start by saying you both are acting like complete jerks. Mike, there is calling someone out righteously, and then well, there's taking it too far. I guess we all just have to find that fine line somewhere.

Chaz, calling here days on end threatening to harm yourself is not amusing in the least. Just because we have problems now does not mean your life is over, be a man and deal with it. So you might have been outed to a few people you were interested in, life goes on. I now have friends that wont talk to me because I haven't gotten angry enough to tell you to take a flying leap. Keep calling and threatening suicide and I will. If you aren't hapy with the way your life is going, be a man and change it, only you can.  Get off your lazy rock star butt, get a second job within walking distance of home, save up to get yourself a new car, get your own place, and quit sponging off of Ed for heaven's sake. You have no right to whine, unless you're trying to improve the situation, and you have yet to show me that you are. All I hear are excuses, justification and poor reasons why you can't, please, spare me.

Ive finally got a bed

Woohoo…I now have my queen sized-pillow topped little piece of paradise. I so wish I had a camera, its so beautiful *sniffs*.

Not much has happened other than that. You guys were right about one thing. Chaz calls every day now, talking like nothing ever happened, that is unless hes busy chatting online, then he ignores me. he says he wants to be friends, but I know all he really wants is to sleep with me, he's even said as much. I mean in a way, because of the situation I've told a few of you about, I can see his logic, but the last thing I want is to just be someone's convenient piece on the side till he finds something new.

I'll admit that it scares me to even think of dating again, knowing what I know now. I have no doubt that someday I'm really going to like someone, and then have to watch him run when I have to tell him. My confidence is not the greatest anymore, but thank you all for your words of encouragement, Hannie, Belinda, Greg, Cleighten, Kim, Moonie and countless others.