I think men have a genetic thing against shopping. It doesn't matter where you go, my father believes it is a total waste of time to browse for anything. The minute you walk in, he expects you to go straight in, get what he thinks you need and leave directly for the checkout counter.

     I got tired of sitting here in the dark, so finally yesterday morning I decided to go to Big Lots shopping for lamps. Dad did walk around the funiature portion, where most of the lamps are located, telling me how he thought anything over $15 for a lamp was totally rediculous. The only lamp I would dream of putting into my house for under this price was a lamp, with a base that had statues of deer. It isn't as tacky as it probably sounds. We are now calling it a bambi lamp and putting it in my daughter's bedroom.

     On to finding my lamp…

     We looked around the rest of the store for something that was either A: not gaudy, B: not too light and cheaply made, or C: too expensive. Several times I found a lamp I liked sitting by itself only to be told that it was part of a really expensive 3-5 lamp set that couldn't be sold seperately. (jerks) I finally found a liveable one with an urn shaped base and  and a fancy almost rectangular shaped shade, that seems to go well with the sage green and gold colors most of my living room consits of. This of course wasn't my first choice of colors when decorating, but one cant turn down a free mint condition vintage 50's sofa, even if it matches nothing. Maybe I should give away the rocker recliner in the living room and replace it with the gold crushed velvet rocking chair out of my bedroom. I have a feeling they will match rather well.

     But anyway, back to shopping with Dad…

     After finding my lamps,  I wanted to browse the store for a few other odds and ends. (Big Lots is so good for that) Dad in his never-changing, I'm retired but in a hurry mode, began immediately trying to push me toward the checkout. If you listen to him talk, I had just bought lamps, but light bulbs could wait until another day, and weren't necessary at that moment, especially the frosted ones that go on my vanity in the bathroom, which he would never have dreamed of paying a dollar apiece for. Um, whatever dad…

     I did in the aisles in between the light bulbs and the front counter, happen to find the cutest sunflower shaped picture frames, choosing the beige, cream, and copper colored ones over the yellow, as they were so much prettier. I do want to go back out and buy more of these if I get a chance before they are out of them. (Eventually I must photograph them, they are simply gorgeous) Amidst much prodding I finally did make it through the line, and much to Dad's dismay on to the next store.

     I so love the Goodwill store on route 95 here in town. This is where the better quality donated items go to be sold. Walking in it looks just like a regular department store. Everything is neat and well organized, and I almost always can find real nice name brand stuff in there dirt cheap, and barely used. I got my daughter 3 designer outfits in there and myself a pair of new black sandals for under $20. those who feel they are too good to shop at Goodwill are really missing out!

     From there is was on to the grocery store, Dad griping all the way. See, he does the shopping for my parents and grandparents, so we end up at "his" store. He immediately starts griping to me in the parking lot about how I need to make up my mind about everything I need to get so we can just get in and out of there. I thought his eyes were going to roll back into his head when I spotted the pattern of stoneware dishes I have had my eye on for almost 2 years, on sale almost half off. (To someone still using yard sale dishes, this is a big deal Dad) So I spent $20 on four full size dinner plates, and matching cereal bowls. My bills are paid, and I am well within my budget, so when he starts griping I just tell him to hush. I will keep collecting further pieces of the set bit by bit, hehe such a beautiful grape pattern. It is a bit more of a challenge finding plastic tumbler cups to coordinate, and they still don't quite match…everything seems very bright colored this year for some reason. I finally settled on four 16oz cups in bright green.

     The rest of the grocery shopping went pretty much as expected, Dad telling me he thought I needed this, or didn't need that. He then begins loading down my cart with things HE wants, such as guinea pig food. He starts asking me why I'm buying sets of dishes when he thinks getting disposable would be so much cheaper for now…um, wah huh? Somehow through all of this my head does not explode, and we finally make it back to my house.

     Putting everything away is no less of an adventure, welcome to the dad school of organizing. It may be my kitchen, but things must go where HE thinks they should go, or he will in no uncertain terms tell you your way is wrong. Rest assured, he believes you move at the pace of a constipated snail, because he is in a hurry to leave, so leave…but no he would rather continue to stand there complaining. I am not keeping you captive Dad…go…go…

     My stomach is still hurting this morning, keeping me well glued to the bathroom. I'm not throwing up at all, but you get the idea. At first I was convinced the stomach ache was just my nerves, and even still it might be part of the problem. Mary was sick with something similar the other day when I went over to talk to her, so I've probably just come down with a bit of what made her ill.

     I have always hated being sick, ugh. The good thing about all of this is that I don't appear to be running a fever at the moment. I can't say that about last night, when I felt like I was for awhile, but didn't have a thermometer to check my temperature. Mary is fine again already, so this should all be over fairly soon, at least that is good news. I guess this is just one of those strange spring viruses that seem to be going around every year or so. Now if I can just keep my daughter from coming down with it, It'll be fine.

     I don't know why I am still beating myself up so bad over this, but I've been so depressed since Sunday evening, and I just can't get it to shake. He called again this morning, chewing me out because of something someone told him I supposedly said. He was ranting and raving online about the fact that he is convinced I am trying to humiliate him and ruin his life.

     It isn't my fault that he spends half of his life trying to keep up appearances and the lies he leads. Everyone he comes in contact with only sees the version of him he wants them to see. His reputation is a product of carefully told lies and half truths, and a whole lot of manipulation. Nothing can crack that carefully constucted facade or he just instantly starts going insane. I honestly believe he lives in total fear of anyone ever discovering the truth of him. He has even so much stated, that he would rather die than face the humiliation of being found out for what he truly is. It seems to me as if his lies have now in a way, become his prison.

     Maybe in a way the open book that I am has spared me that kind of pain, even if it does open me to a different kind of hurt in other ways. Face it, Saturday I really messed it up bad.

I am 64% Metal Head.

I rock just as hard as the rest of the thrash set, except when no ones looking I like to get down with a little "More than a Feeling."

Take the
Metal Head Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 55% Tortured Artist.

Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world.

Take the
Tortured Artist Test
@ FualiDotCom

     I guess all that's happed is still bothering me this morning. I am now feeling like even more of a fool than ever. I guess when I actually saw him, I didn't have near the resolve that I wanted to believe that I did, and I'm angry and disappointed with myself for that. All I have to do is see his face still and I freaking melt, and the trouble is he knows it.

     I know he only came to please himself, somehow I doubt that missing me was really his motivation. Chaz does nothing without knowing that there is something in it for him. He knows all the buttons to push, and exactly what to say and do to have things go precisely his way. Nothing will ever be his fault, he is never wrong, and he is good at making sure everyone sees it that way. He is so good at twisting things his direction, and only telling half-truths, that I am not sure what people really think of me anymore. When he abandoned me, I never expected all our so-called friends to abandon me as well. it amazes me that he can lie, and cheat, and yet I was faithful, but they think he is a great person and I am the one who is worthless. I guess having that power must come with being famous, if he were anything but I don't think people would view him that way.

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and – if you haven't found it as yet – you possibly soon will.Your situation is such that at this time it is essential that you resolve your inherent problems immediately. You are not listening nor taking heed from your many friends and advisers, all of which believe it or not, 'wish you well'. Most of your colleagues feel that your attitude is out of context – an attitude of recklessness and desperation. It is imperative that some solution be found, but whatever you do, think before you act.The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

You are on tenterhooks and appear to be extremely nervous and upset. You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you – but forever under control.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

     I have been asked by a certain party to no longer write about him in my blog. He  is apparently worried that something I may write will soil his reputation. I mean, heaven forbid anyone know the real him. Wether I care for him or not, he is playing way too many games, and he needs to start being honest with himself and others. I am sorry that he can't deal with the open book that I sometimes am with my life.

     Sometimes it's hard to deal with the fact that this person no longer cares for you, and is only now concerned with himself, and his own image. It just puzzles me to see how he expects me to not know when I am being lied to. I have eyes, and ears, and though I am not a super genius, I do have a good mind. He doesn't seem to understand that I have seen all these games before, and now that I have taken the blinders off, I know when I am being mislead. I cant even feel free to write about the events of the last 24 hours without wondering when I am going to get a phone call lecturing me about it. For those that really need to know, I write this next post…it isn't pretty…

     Why is it that someone that says they cannot be with you, will call out of the blue claiming to miss you? Trying to get over him has been hard enough without him popping up every few days to weeks to just stir those feelings up again. I'm not so convinced it isn't just because he isn't getting any from his new girlfriend, and he just wants to use me until he can have her. He doesn't understand that of course I am going to assume the worst of him now until he proves otherwise. I trusted him with our life and future together and he betrayed that, I don't see how he can expect anything but doubt from me. The longer I have looked back on the time we spent together, the clearer I have seen his selfish motivation in a lot of the things he did. He has gotten by in life on charm and the goodness and generosity of others, and probably will continue to do so as long as there is someone else waiting in line to take him in. Mr. Rockstar needs a serious reality check I just wish people would stop babying and bailing him out so he has to finally grow up for a change.