I wish I could find a website editor that is actually going to work for me. I've been wanting to get this website together since I bought the domain name a couple weeks ago. Face it, I'm good at making graphics, but I don't know the first thing about html. Help…

     I think men have a genetic thing against shopping. It doesn't matter where you go, my father believes it is a total waste of time to browse for anything. The minute you walk in, he expects you to go straight in, get what he thinks you need and leave directly for the checkout counter.

     I got tired of sitting here in the dark, so finally yesterday morning I decided to go to Big Lots shopping for lamps. Dad did walk around the funiature portion, where most of the lamps are located, telling me how he thought anything over $15 for a lamp was totally rediculous. The only lamp I would dream of putting into my house for under this price was a lamp, with a base that had statues of deer. It isn't as tacky as it probably sounds. We are now calling it a bambi lamp and putting it in my daughter's bedroom.

     On to finding my lamp…

     We looked around the rest of the store for something that was either A: not gaudy, B: not too light and cheaply made, or C: too expensive. Several times I found a lamp I liked sitting by itself only to be told that it was part of a really expensive 3-5 lamp set that couldn't be sold seperately. (jerks) I finally found a liveable one with an urn shaped base and  and a fancy almost rectangular shaped shade, that seems to go well with the sage green and gold colors most of my living room consits of. This of course wasn't my first choice of colors when decorating, but one cant turn down a free mint condition vintage 50's sofa, even if it matches nothing. Maybe I should give away the rocker recliner in the living room and replace it with the gold crushed velvet rocking chair out of my bedroom. I have a feeling they will match rather well.

     But anyway, back to shopping with Dad…

     After finding my lamps,  I wanted to browse the store for a few other odds and ends. (Big Lots is so good for that) Dad in his never-changing, I'm retired but in a hurry mode, began immediately trying to push me toward the checkout. If you listen to him talk, I had just bought lamps, but light bulbs could wait until another day, and weren't necessary at that moment, especially the frosted ones that go on my vanity in the bathroom, which he would never have dreamed of paying a dollar apiece for. Um, whatever dad…

     I did in the aisles in between the light bulbs and the front counter, happen to find the cutest sunflower shaped picture frames, choosing the beige, cream, and copper colored ones over the yellow, as they were so much prettier. I do want to go back out and buy more of these if I get a chance before they are out of them. (Eventually I must photograph them, they are simply gorgeous) Amidst much prodding I finally did make it through the line, and much to Dad's dismay on to the next store.

     I so love the Goodwill store on route 95 here in town. This is where the better quality donated items go to be sold. Walking in it looks just like a regular department store. Everything is neat and well organized, and I almost always can find real nice name brand stuff in there dirt cheap, and barely used. I got my daughter 3 designer outfits in there and myself a pair of new black sandals for under $20. those who feel they are too good to shop at Goodwill are really missing out!

     From there is was on to the grocery store, Dad griping all the way. See, he does the shopping for my parents and grandparents, so we end up at "his" store. He immediately starts griping to me in the parking lot about how I need to make up my mind about everything I need to get so we can just get in and out of there. I thought his eyes were going to roll back into his head when I spotted the pattern of stoneware dishes I have had my eye on for almost 2 years, on sale almost half off. (To someone still using yard sale dishes, this is a big deal Dad) So I spent $20 on four full size dinner plates, and matching cereal bowls. My bills are paid, and I am well within my budget, so when he starts griping I just tell him to hush. I will keep collecting further pieces of the set bit by bit, hehe such a beautiful grape pattern. It is a bit more of a challenge finding plastic tumbler cups to coordinate, and they still don't quite match…everything seems very bright colored this year for some reason. I finally settled on four 16oz cups in bright green.

     The rest of the grocery shopping went pretty much as expected, Dad telling me he thought I needed this, or didn't need that. He then begins loading down my cart with things HE wants, such as guinea pig food. He starts asking me why I'm buying sets of dishes when he thinks getting disposable would be so much cheaper for now…um, wah huh? Somehow through all of this my head does not explode, and we finally make it back to my house.

     Putting everything away is no less of an adventure, welcome to the dad school of organizing. It may be my kitchen, but things must go where HE thinks they should go, or he will in no uncertain terms tell you your way is wrong. Rest assured, he believes you move at the pace of a constipated snail, because he is in a hurry to leave, so leave…but no he would rather continue to stand there complaining. I am not keeping you captive Dad…go…go…

     My stomach is still hurting this morning, keeping me well glued to the bathroom. I'm not throwing up at all, but you get the idea. At first I was convinced the stomach ache was just my nerves, and even still it might be part of the problem. Mary was sick with something similar the other day when I went over to talk to her, so I've probably just come down with a bit of what made her ill.

     I have always hated being sick, ugh. The good thing about all of this is that I don't appear to be running a fever at the moment. I can't say that about last night, when I felt like I was for awhile, but didn't have a thermometer to check my temperature. Mary is fine again already, so this should all be over fairly soon, at least that is good news. I guess this is just one of those strange spring viruses that seem to be going around every year or so. Now if I can just keep my daughter from coming down with it, It'll be fine.

     Why is it that someone that says they cannot be with you, will call out of the blue claiming to miss you? Trying to get over him has been hard enough without him popping up every few days to weeks to just stir those feelings up again. I'm not so convinced it isn't just because he isn't getting any from his new girlfriend, and he just wants to use me until he can have her. He doesn't understand that of course I am going to assume the worst of him now until he proves otherwise. I trusted him with our life and future together and he betrayed that, I don't see how he can expect anything but doubt from me. The longer I have looked back on the time we spent together, the clearer I have seen his selfish motivation in a lot of the things he did. He has gotten by in life on charm and the goodness and generosity of others, and probably will continue to do so as long as there is someone else waiting in line to take him in. Mr. Rockstar needs a serious reality check I just wish people would stop babying and bailing him out so he has to finally grow up for a change.

I have no idea why my neighbors think that I am so bad off financially. It is true, I am far from wealthy, but over the last month my daughter has been given 3 pairs of brand new shoes, 2 pairs of sandals, half a dozen pairs of pants, and a dress. I have had dinner bought for us, received a humungous easter basket for her, and been invited over for random lunches across the alley. Who are these people and just what have they done with my neighbors?

Chaz just messaged me online a little bit ago. Same old him, acting like he expects me to pretend nothings happened. I was right in an earlier post, he's already messing around on his girlfriend, and honestly I don't think he knows what being faithful really means. It makes me wonder just how many times he cheated on me before I finally caught him. I honestly don't believe for a second that Amy was the only one he was after, just the only one I found proof of. Other than that, it's been a beautiful day. I could never have asked for nicer weather, so I'm going to go and take my walk before my daughter gets home. I may write again later if time or motivation allows.

I don't think I am ever going to understand the male half of the species. Take for instance the big blowup between my ex chaz, and one of my good friends Mike. let me start by saying you both are acting like complete jerks. Mike, there is calling someone out righteously, and then well, there's taking it too far. I guess we all just have to find that fine line somewhere.

Chaz, calling here days on end threatening to harm yourself is not amusing in the least. Just because we have problems now does not mean your life is over, be a man and deal with it. So you might have been outed to a few people you were interested in, life goes on. I now have friends that wont talk to me because I haven't gotten angry enough to tell you to take a flying leap. Keep calling and threatening suicide and I will. If you aren't hapy with the way your life is going, be a man and change it, only you can.  Get off your lazy rock star butt, get a second job within walking distance of home, save up to get yourself a new car, get your own place, and quit sponging off of Ed for heaven's sake. You have no right to whine, unless you're trying to improve the situation, and you have yet to show me that you are. All I hear are excuses, justification and poor reasons why you can't, please, spare me.

Life has taken another turn I guess.  Chaz and I are over, but we did talk a lot of things out yesterday morning, and at least we now somewhat wish each other well. He's going to return the things he has in storage at his aunt's when he is able to get ahold of her and get the key.

I know someone was angered by the fact that he even came by, or that I even spoke to him again, but does not understand that facing this has been something I had to do for me. I am trying to move on with my life as best I know how, and if this person cannot have more faith in me, and let me make my own choices, and do what is right for myself, than I'm sorry, friendship or anything else was not meant to be.

I've had a couple months now to think about it all. I still can't say that I understand, but it's getting easier. I do hope someone sends you this link, and you read every word. You can't tell me what to think, or how to feel. Being silent only gives you more power and I refuse to do that anymore. You may have a lot of people fooled for now, just as I once was, but you can't fool them all forever.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, I should have realized that when I found out the truth about youre still being married to B. You lied to me and told me you were divorced for months, when in fact she hadn't even moved out yet. I felt like an idiot later when i discovered that I was part of the reason she finally went ahead with the divorce. I guess what has happened since then is my own stupidity for not walking away from you as soon as I knew the truth, but love is blind, and can make people do some idiotic things.

You have a lot of friends convinced that you were the one supporting me and my daughter all that time that i lived with you, when truth be known the exact opposite was the case. I was the one who paid the rent, utilites and car insurance. All I ever asked you to do was spend $50 a week or so on groceries, and you griped and complained even about having to do that much. You griped to everyone behind my back that I was breaking you, and you couldn't afford to feed us all. I dont think asking you too put out a lousy $200 a month was unreasonable at all.

You say you weren't using me for my money, but were already cheating on me, and knew you were with someone else, when you suckered me out of $300 in car repairs and a $70 christmas present. You have yet to offer to take care of your half of any bills that were incurred from that house, and have the audacity to call me whining that you're too broke to return the rest of my belongings to me like you promissed. Hmm..you were supporting me huh? But who pray tell has to rent a room off of a friend cause hes too broke to even afford an efficiency apartment? I wonder who?

All I can say for you new girlfriend is, that when this finally comes back to her, and it will, she deserves everything she gets. I don't give it even another 2 years and you'll be messing around on her, if you aren't already. How would she know living states away? if shes dumb enough to give up her entire life to move to another state for a guy shes only talked to on the net and on the phone…whatever. When you finally dump her for the next best thing, and shes in a strange town like I was with no one to lean on, I hope she remembers I told her so.

It never ceases to amaze me the things that can mess up with one accidental drop of a keyboard. Take for instance what happed to me a few moments ago. I don't have a desk yet, so I sit here on the floor, keyboard balanced across my knees. the dear puppy decides to try to nuzzle her way onto said lap…and over goes the keyboard keys down. Lo and behold, only a brief second later, all fonts have shrunk to an unreadable level.

 So silly me I am on IMs the one thing seemingly unaffected by the problem, freaking out to my friend Hannie about this. She gives me a few suggestions and I have IE fixed in a lash. Not so for the AOL. It takes restarting and fidling with a few more things under their settings page until finally, yes, I find something resembling what my friend said I should look for to fix it. Problem solved…yay…

It just amazes me that one briefly dropped keyboard can do in a fraction of a second what it takes you nearly 20 minutes to undo. What can I say, when i mess things up, I do it with style!