I don't know why I am still beating myself up so bad over this, but I've been so depressed since Sunday evening, and I just can't get it to shake. He called again this morning, chewing me out because of something someone told him I supposedly said. He was ranting and raving online about the fact that he is convinced I am trying to humiliate him and ruin his life.

     It isn't my fault that he spends half of his life trying to keep up appearances and the lies he leads. Everyone he comes in contact with only sees the version of him he wants them to see. His reputation is a product of carefully told lies and half truths, and a whole lot of manipulation. Nothing can crack that carefully constucted facade or he just instantly starts going insane. I honestly believe he lives in total fear of anyone ever discovering the truth of him. He has even so much stated, that he would rather die than face the humiliation of being found out for what he truly is. It seems to me as if his lies have now in a way, become his prison.

     Maybe in a way the open book that I am has spared me that kind of pain, even if it does open me to a different kind of hurt in other ways. Face it, Saturday I really messed it up bad.

     I guess all that's happed is still bothering me this morning. I am now feeling like even more of a fool than ever. I guess when I actually saw him, I didn't have near the resolve that I wanted to believe that I did, and I'm angry and disappointed with myself for that. All I have to do is see his face still and I freaking melt, and the trouble is he knows it.

     I know he only came to please himself, somehow I doubt that missing me was really his motivation. Chaz does nothing without knowing that there is something in it for him. He knows all the buttons to push, and exactly what to say and do to have things go precisely his way. Nothing will ever be his fault, he is never wrong, and he is good at making sure everyone sees it that way. He is so good at twisting things his direction, and only telling half-truths, that I am not sure what people really think of me anymore. When he abandoned me, I never expected all our so-called friends to abandon me as well. it amazes me that he can lie, and cheat, and yet I was faithful, but they think he is a great person and I am the one who is worthless. I guess having that power must come with being famous, if he were anything but I don't think people would view him that way.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

It always seems that the tears come back at the most unexpected of times. I was sitting here at the computer earlier, and had media player on random when the song "You Still Smile" by Deliverance popped up. Not many people would understand why I sat and cried without knowing the song. It wasn't only the song itself, which is very lovely and sad I might add, but also another memory I have connected to it. My ex is a rather well known vocalist in the christian metal genre of music. I remember one evening when he was home him putting that particular CD in the stereo and singing along with the track while hugging me and sort of dancing (not that either of us really dance..it was more rocking in place) Jimmy Brown is a mentor of his, and at times, they do tend to sound eerily alike anyway. So the next thing I know, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. Its just like I said in my post on valentines day:

 Even good memories can break your heart later, when the person connected to them is gone…

I've sat here today for a good portion of the afternoon and evening self editing some of the older blog entries I posted. I will admit when angry I still struggle with quite the case of pottymouth, so I've been trying to go back though and correct that. I think I'm discovering that there is a way to vent the exact same feelings without all of the cursing, more constructively you might say. I am going to try to do that from now on. Before I can expect anything to change, I guess I have to start with changing me.

I'm sure all of you are aware by now that I have had a difficult time of things the last few months. A two year relationship with someone I truly loved, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, ended in mid December when I discovered that he had been unfaithful. Though I would have forgiven and forgotten, he chose instead to end the relationship, choosing to move on with the girl he had the affair with.

I did import a lot of the entries from January into my blog today, along with this mornings post, as a way to remind myself, now that he is somewhat trying to get into my good graces again, just why I need to not allow myself to fall into that emotional trap. If I said I didn't still love him, I'd be a bold faced liar, a part of me always will. I cannot allow my feeling to over rule my better judgement, as badly as my heart really wants to. Just because I love him, does not mean this relationship is healthy for me. Even if he did return, he would never be faithful, so there would always be doubt. He would never have my trust again, without his parting words and actions in the back of my mind, that's no life to have with anyone. If he had ever really loved me, he could never have hurt me that way.

Part of me knows the only reason he keeps in contact is because he knows i still care. In all honesty I think he just wants me to fall back on as a temporary fix when things are going bad with Amy, or the other girls he his presently persuing. I know this because he never calls when things are going well for him, only when hes bored, and when hes gone weeks at a time without getting some. Sometimes i just wish he'd have rather not called at all. All it does is get me crying again, and keep him in the back of my mind. I don't know if i will ever be truly over him, but someday I hope so.

I found some old journal posts from about a year ago, man do I feel stupid. I am posting them here to remind myself that the grass was not as green as it appeared, please remind me of this when I get to feeling sorry for myself:

 Journal Excepts:

Sometimes my dreams find me saying things I would never have the courage to while I am awake, even if it something that has been on my mind from time to time. The dream I had last night was one of those in a scary sense. All I remember is walking out of a building with Chaz, we had our arms around one another, and then we sat on a park bench. I told him in my sleep honestly how I felt about our relationship, where I hoped it would someday go, and the doubts I have that he will ever be ready to give me what I really want to happen. I guess in a way I'm still afraid of being stuck in another dead-end relationship where all I will ever be is someone's girlfriend. I realize it is too soon to assume that that is all it will ever be, but how long do I wait and hope? Where is the line drawn between hope and wishful thinking? There always seem to be things I can't bring myself to say. Most frightening of all is: If I asked the questions, do I truly want to know the answers?

……………………………………………………………………………………….

When, oh, when do I get to use my brain? I've been dying of sheer boredom for weeks now. I've finally come to the conclusion that, yes, I do need a life. Now the question is, how do I get one? I can't let my life revolve around others, and hope to have one because of it. I need to find who I am, and make something for myself. Problem is, it seems so hard to begin. I'm in a new town, where I know hardly anyone but Chaz and his family. I haven't really been able to make many friends of my own yet, and I can tell, even though he won't admit it, that most of his friends only tolerate me because I'm with him.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

I didn't have much of a life where I came from anyway, but there will be a few things that I will miss. I'll miss taking my walks out off of Silver Street, going to Fred's for ice cream, and sitting in my thinking spot in Blake Park. All the houses look the same here, no strange oddties to go and explore for, like an old one room schoolhouse, complete with belfry attached to a factory, a purple roof, the lone concrete pylons that remained of an old railroad bridge in a backyard. Will I ever again find streets I didnt know existed, without a single house on them? If theres no one to really go home to, why am I so homesick?

………………………………………………………………………………………

I just realized I hadn't bothered to update this in a few days…wow. A lot can really go on in that time I guess. Things have been crazy around here with Chaz's new album getting ready to come out. he's nervous, he's excited and a million things in between. I'll admit that the amount of attention this seems to be getting already has me a little nervous, even though I'm extremely happy for him. I often wonder how much it's going to change our lives if the album does really well. Will it be for the worse, or better? Only time will tell…9 days to go…

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Here I find myself bored, and with a raging caffiene buzz.(bad combination) So not only am I wired, but Chaz is asleep and I have a lot of time on my hands. I have to get him to the library as soon as he wakes up so I can get that one last form we need to mail off the taxes tonight, must be done, we can no longer avoid it. He won't complain when the tax return check finally comes. We really dont have much time, he has JD practice at 6:30 which means he has to leave at 5:30. I should probably wake him up at 3, as long as he doesn't wake up in a frisky mood all should go well.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

We went to visit his mom at the nursing home last night where shes getting physical therapy after her motorcycle accident a couple of weeks ago. If miracles will never cease, she actually wasn't rude to me, and didn't yell at me at all. I still don't think she likes me. When someone doesn't like you its kinda difficult to like them, but shes his mom, and I'll never say a word to her out of respect for him, no matter how rude she gets. Can't win em all I guess.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Why do people always assume the worst when they only hear one side of a phone conversation? He and Beth may be over, but I think he still judges everything I do on her mistakes. When hes angry, he assumes the worst, and if he thinks I'm in any way at fault, nothing I say or do can change his mind. She's messed with his head so much that I've begun to wonder just how close to normal our relationship will be able to get. As long as he cant let it go, I'll be living in her shadow. I'll be paying for her mistakes and not just my own.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sometimes it seems as though Chaz and I live on totally different schedules. Oh well, why continue to fool myself? We do. Working 3rd shift, he has the sleeping habits of a vampire. I spend most of my time during the day bored to death, waiting for him to decide to wake up. Face it, men are all big babies when they wake up before they are ready. Most of the time they whine, sometimes they throw a tantrum,….but every once in a while they wake up on their own, in the mood to cuddle…which is really cool. I like those days.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

I've still been working on the site, and message boards all morning, trying to get them just right. Much thanks to Hannie, for helping me with the graphics. (angelfire sucks) I think how the Realm Of Dreams turned out looked pretty sweet, but I'm still tweaking the Jacobs Dream board. Now, if people will just post I'd feel a little better. I know, I know, I have to give it time. Man am I bored.

Chaz just messaged me online a little bit ago. Same old him, acting like he expects me to pretend nothings happened. I was right in an earlier post, he's already messing around on his girlfriend, and honestly I don't think he knows what being faithful really means. It makes me wonder just how many times he cheated on me before I finally caught him. I honestly don't believe for a second that Amy was the only one he was after, just the only one I found proof of. Other than that, it's been a beautiful day. I could never have asked for nicer weather, so I'm going to go and take my walk before my daughter gets home. I may write again later if time or motivation allows.

Chaz came by this morning. It was really strange to see him again after all this time.Sitting there talking with him, he almost felt like a stranger, and not someone I planned to spend my life with. Nothing went like I expected, no tears, no arguing, I've just felt completely numb ever since then.

Its strange, just sitting there listening to him make small talk like he did on the phone, asking my advice about his relationship with someone else. It just seemed the same as before, no remorse, just empty words, the Chaz I knew is gone.

I don't think I've wanted to do anything but sleep since he left. I'm just so exhausted between not sleeping all night, and all thats happened. I haven't meant to drop off of the face of the earth today, as an offense to anyone. I think I just need to sleep, and take time to let this all sink in. I knew facing him again wasn't going to be easy, but maybe now that it's been done I can finally start to let it go.

He called here again a little bit ago. Apparently the phone company made a mistake and my number isn't unlisted like it's supposed to be.I've been sitting here trying to calm myself down enought to write this ever since.

Why does he think he needs to just call and make small talk with me after all hes done? What is it he wants from me? I don't have the strength to just do what I should do and tell him off. I really hate myself for that at times.

Now that I've had myself a good long cry mid-post, I still don't know what to do. Someday maybe I'll be alright…just keep praying and telling myself that. It's just really hard to believe sometimes.

This town has a lot of ghosts, and I don't mean that in the literal sense. Everything I see, and everywhere I go, has some sort of memory connected to it. Even good memories can break your heart years later, when the person connected to them is gone.

I found my old journal from around the time I met Chaz online this morning. It was hard to read what I'd written and not feel like a fool. I'll admit I was crying like an idiot, re-reading each post, right before they were deleted. the memories are enough, I don't need anything else to remind me.

I've often envied those who find one another when they're young. Even when I hear them complain, sometimes I wish they knew that they have something of which I can only dream. It's so hard to have faith that God has someone in mind for me. Especially now that the person I loved more than anything, said he never loved me back, met someone else, and walked away.

I don't know where to go from here. every day seems the same now. I spend too much time on the net, and take a walk once in while. I see a lot of people on my walks, but none really talk to me. I have no friends other than those I chat with online. Its not much of a life, but its all I have at the present time.