Life has taken another turn I guess.  Chaz and I are over, but we did talk a lot of things out yesterday morning, and at least we now somewhat wish each other well. He's going to return the things he has in storage at his aunt's when he is able to get ahold of her and get the key.

I know someone was angered by the fact that he even came by, or that I even spoke to him again, but does not understand that facing this has been something I had to do for me. I am trying to move on with my life as best I know how, and if this person cannot have more faith in me, and let me make my own choices, and do what is right for myself, than I'm sorry, friendship or anything else was not meant to be.

Chaz came by this morning. It was really strange to see him again after all this time.Sitting there talking with him, he almost felt like a stranger, and not someone I planned to spend my life with. Nothing went like I expected, no tears, no arguing, I've just felt completely numb ever since then.

Its strange, just sitting there listening to him make small talk like he did on the phone, asking my advice about his relationship with someone else. It just seemed the same as before, no remorse, just empty words, the Chaz I knew is gone.

I don't think I've wanted to do anything but sleep since he left. I'm just so exhausted between not sleeping all night, and all thats happened. I haven't meant to drop off of the face of the earth today, as an offense to anyone. I think I just need to sleep, and take time to let this all sink in. I knew facing him again wasn't going to be easy, but maybe now that it's been done I can finally start to let it go.

He called here again a little bit ago. Apparently the phone company made a mistake and my number isn't unlisted like it's supposed to be.I've been sitting here trying to calm myself down enought to write this ever since.

Why does he think he needs to just call and make small talk with me after all hes done? What is it he wants from me? I don't have the strength to just do what I should do and tell him off. I really hate myself for that at times.

Now that I've had myself a good long cry mid-post, I still don't know what to do. Someday maybe I'll be alright…just keep praying and telling myself that. It's just really hard to believe sometimes.

I’m feeling a bit at the end of my rope again, so forgive me if things seem a bit out there. There’s so much I’m thinking and feeling that I just can’t escape. Theres only distraction, but thats only temporary, as soon as it’s over those thoughts and feelings only return again.

I can tell I’ve been depressed the last day or so. I’ve been sleeping a lot more than usual. I woke up from a nap yesterday feeling this way and I still can’t get it to shake. I woke up hearing music in my head again today, after I nodded off for a few minutes waiting on the pizza. It wasn’t just the music this time, but some very bizarre thoughts, some of which I really can’t talk about here.

I’m just beginning to feel the weight of the inevitable, and as much as i pray I won’t have to face it alone, I know that I might. The tears just won’t stop. Every day I cry and pray a little more.

I closed my eyes tonight and saw,

Another world not unlike my own.

Through endless streets of a grand city,

I saw not a soul,

I was alone.

I walked for hours,

In many places I found myself.

I saw both homes,

And grand cathedrals,

Lonely graveyards,

And moonlit beaches.

I saw them on my own.

From time to time,

A voice through the mist,

The vaguest notion of someone there,

Would give me hope,

And set my mind at ease.

There is no one to hold my hand,

Through sunlit days,

Nights of stars,

And infinite dark.

Endless stretches of sand,

Fall through the hourglass,

Before they are dreamed,

Forever gone.

I don't know what makes me more afraid, the possibilty of change, or that my life will always be the same as it is now. I'll be alright for a few days, and then find myself in tears again. I don't want to be alone, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Each time you get your heart broken, I think it takes another piece of you, and nothing can ever give that back. The space is just filled with doubt, fear, and lost peace of mind. Each time you try again it just gets harder to come out of your shell.

I spent 3 years building up that wall before I met him, it took  months for me to drop it completely and let him in, and in a day, everything fell to pieces. Sometimes I want to hide inside my shell and not let anyone inside. Its so hard to know who to trust, there is always a doubt of deception and motive. I just keep praying that someday, hopefully while I'm young enough to enjoy it, i'll find the one who will understand. Someone with an honest heart, without motivation, or something to hide. 

God I'm going to trust you and try to keep believing he's out there. it's just hard sometimes, with all I've been through. I've made a lot of really dumb decisions with the best of intentions. next time i do let someone in, I just want it to be right for a change.

I have this next door neighbor that really creeps me out. i don't really know him in more than passing, but he feels the need to get drunk while his wife is at work, and come knocking on my door. Naturally I dont let him in, but he stands out there pounding for sometimes a half hour to an hour at a time, talking to himself. He won't go away, even if asked, or told to do so. Today I finally got fed up waiting for him to go away and called the police.

This guy is the reason I keep my doors locked and deadbolted even in the daytime. I've heard him turn my doorknobs, trying to let himself in when I don't answer him. I've now gone to not only the police, but the landlady about him. I've lived in this neighborhood all but a handful of years out of my life, and up until now I've never been afraid here. There's no way  I'm gonna take this lying down.

This town has a lot of ghosts, and I don't mean that in the literal sense. Everything I see, and everywhere I go, has some sort of memory connected to it. Even good memories can break your heart years later, when the person connected to them is gone.

I found my old journal from around the time I met Chaz online this morning. It was hard to read what I'd written and not feel like a fool. I'll admit I was crying like an idiot, re-reading each post, right before they were deleted. the memories are enough, I don't need anything else to remind me.

I've often envied those who find one another when they're young. Even when I hear them complain, sometimes I wish they knew that they have something of which I can only dream. It's so hard to have faith that God has someone in mind for me. Especially now that the person I loved more than anything, said he never loved me back, met someone else, and walked away.

I don't know where to go from here. every day seems the same now. I spend too much time on the net, and take a walk once in while. I see a lot of people on my walks, but none really talk to me. I have no friends other than those I chat with online. Its not much of a life, but its all I have at the present time.                                                 

I've had a couple months now to think about it all. I still can't say that I understand, but it's getting easier. I do hope someone sends you this link, and you read every word. You can't tell me what to think, or how to feel. Being silent only gives you more power and I refuse to do that anymore. You may have a lot of people fooled for now, just as I once was, but you can't fool them all forever.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, I should have realized that when I found out the truth about youre still being married to B. You lied to me and told me you were divorced for months, when in fact she hadn't even moved out yet. I felt like an idiot later when i discovered that I was part of the reason she finally went ahead with the divorce. I guess what has happened since then is my own stupidity for not walking away from you as soon as I knew the truth, but love is blind, and can make people do some idiotic things.

You have a lot of friends convinced that you were the one supporting me and my daughter all that time that i lived with you, when truth be known the exact opposite was the case. I was the one who paid the rent, utilites and car insurance. All I ever asked you to do was spend $50 a week or so on groceries, and you griped and complained even about having to do that much. You griped to everyone behind my back that I was breaking you, and you couldn't afford to feed us all. I dont think asking you too put out a lousy $200 a month was unreasonable at all.

You say you weren't using me for my money, but were already cheating on me, and knew you were with someone else, when you suckered me out of $300 in car repairs and a $70 christmas present. You have yet to offer to take care of your half of any bills that were incurred from that house, and have the audacity to call me whining that you're too broke to return the rest of my belongings to me like you promissed. Hmm..you were supporting me huh? But who pray tell has to rent a room off of a friend cause hes too broke to even afford an efficiency apartment? I wonder who?

All I can say for you new girlfriend is, that when this finally comes back to her, and it will, she deserves everything she gets. I don't give it even another 2 years and you'll be messing around on her, if you aren't already. How would she know living states away? if shes dumb enough to give up her entire life to move to another state for a guy shes only talked to on the net and on the phone…whatever. When you finally dump her for the next best thing, and shes in a strange town like I was with no one to lean on, I hope she remembers I told her so.

It never ceases to amaze me the things that can mess up with one accidental drop of a keyboard. Take for instance what happed to me a few moments ago. I don't have a desk yet, so I sit here on the floor, keyboard balanced across my knees. the dear puppy decides to try to nuzzle her way onto said lap…and over goes the keyboard keys down. Lo and behold, only a brief second later, all fonts have shrunk to an unreadable level.

 So silly me I am on IMs the one thing seemingly unaffected by the problem, freaking out to my friend Hannie about this. She gives me a few suggestions and I have IE fixed in a lash. Not so for the AOL. It takes restarting and fidling with a few more things under their settings page until finally, yes, I find something resembling what my friend said I should look for to fix it. Problem solved…yay…

It just amazes me that one briefly dropped keyboard can do in a fraction of a second what it takes you nearly 20 minutes to undo. What can I say, when i mess things up, I do it with style!