It's been a crazy but otherwise boring week. i finally told him off on the phone, and he hasn't called back since. I can safely say so far not hearing his voice every day has made me feel a lot better. Maybe I was right, getting over him will be a lot easier if he isn't a part of my life at all.

My friend Johanna is recovering from surgery, and i'm really glad that even though she is in a lot of pain that she is a lot better now. You had me worried girl! Throught I'd send the angel you gave me when I was sad, and going through a tough time, right back to you. See, I didn't forget!

I still don't know quite where I am going from here. It still feels as if I have this huge hole in my life, that I'm praying someday, God is going to send the right person to fill. Its just that at times like this, it's hard to have faith that it will ever really happen.

Even though I know just as so many have told me that this is all probably for the best, at moments it still feels like the end of the world. It hurts to be convinced for so long that someone is the one, only to have that image and your heart completely shattered. If he wasn't the one I was dreaming of for all those years, I've begun to wonder if that person really is out there. If he is out there, I honestly don't know what he would want with a mixed up mess of a human being like me.

It looks as if I am definitely not getting the rest of my things back now. Lying and cheating are apparently not enough, now he has to steal what few belongings I have left on top of it all. i know you would probably tell me what everyone else I have talked to the last few weeks has, that eventually all he's doing is going to catch up with him, and God is going to get even for me. Even if it's true its kind of small consolation. People like him just go on about their business, with no regard for the throughts and feelings of others. He always has, and he always will. I am just another in a long list of women he has left behind when they no longer keep his interest, someday soon, the girl he cheated with will be next, I have no doubt of it. I'm trying not to be bitter, but it's pretty difficult, to hear no remorse in the voice of someone who has hurt you so badly, especially someone you loved that deeply.

Its going to take some time to git rid of these feelings. Even when you're in a lot of hurt and feel totally betrayed, it's still hard sometimes to stop loving and caring for that person. It's been a month but in so many ways, the wounds are still so open. I feel alright for a couple of days till he calls again, wanting to make small talk. Sometimes I wonder if he does it just to upset me. Is he really so full of himself to believe that I can just be his friend, and forget all that he has done? He has yet to offer an appology, only excuses why he felt he was justified. He wants to go back to being only friends…I'm sorry..I just cant.

I hate being this short on money. Our grocery budget figured out to around $20 this week.(Well, actually $19 after I got done buying t.p.) I think I did ok for the ammount of money i had to spend. At least all the bills are paid. A few meals of ramen, and fried potatoes and eggs aren't going to kill us. (at least I hope not.)

I did have a pretty cool dream last night, even if it got a little scary at the end. It was really strange because in the dream it was like I was still a kid. I was out with friends, and we found this really awesome looking empty house. I can remember looking through the panes of glass on the enclosed front porch, and being able to see through into this really awesome looking back yard area, and wanted to see it. Well, my friends talked me into exploring the house, since the doors were unlocked and open. I looked through an upstairs room or two, and it was all just empty and dusty like you'd expect. the layout of the place was really neat though. the floors and railings were made out of hardwood and the staircase went up so far to a landing and then split I never did make it out back to that yard, because someone started yelling for me to come see something like they were afraid, and when I went downstairs and through the kitchen, i found a lit up room filled with dolls and stuffed animals. after I left the room, even though the house was empty, it was completely lit up inside. The last thing I remember about the dream was running outside because i thought we had been caught, but I got away.

I told you the dream was strange, but the house was way cool. its just too bad I can't draw that well. i really wish i could to show people some of the place I see in my dreams.

The gas company came out again today about the repairs we had to have done due to a gas leak. They apparently said there was no longer a leak, but something wasn't properly installed, so the guy had to come back out and fix the problem. The good news is its all taken care of and the gas company says everything is ok now.  That is such a relief, let me tell you. Follow that with discovering the drain under the kitchen sink was leaking and flooding the basement..fun fun..thats fixed as well.

Something odd has crossed my mind the last few days. This year is the first year since 1978 when i was 6 that i can ever remember seeing lightning in January. It has thunderstormed 5 days so far this month. This winter is nothing like anything I have ever seen. it was almost 60 degrees out the last 2 days. For January in Ohio this is unheard of.

The thunderstorm this morning has had me thinking a lot about the blizzard of 78. I was only 6 at the time, but I remember it pretty well. It's one of only 2 maybe 3 times in my life I've ever seen a thunder snowstorm, and the only other time I've ever seen lightning in January that I can recall. It's odd, because the weather we have had the last couple of days is eerily similar to the weather we had just before that blizzard hit, go figure. (Just an observation) I'm hoping mother nature doesn't plan a repeat performance. Late december and January has had some of the most messed up weather, theres no denying it.

Ive had all the excitement I can stand around here the last couple of days. Yesterday morning I discovered that my house had a gas leak. A guy came over this morning and took care of it, it took him all morning and afternoon to get the job done. I can say one thing about my grandfather as a landlord, when he knows something isn't right with the house he's very prompt with repairs.

I finally got back out to the store tonight and made a good pork stir fry and rice for dinner tonight. Whit has the next 4 days off of school because of a teachers meeting and the holiday. God help me, by Tuesday I'm gonna be more than ready to send her back to school. The hours when she's at school are usually my quiet time, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy them. LMAO

He called again last night, at first trying to put me on a guilt trip for not telling him, and then later when he didn't get his way, spouting more threats. Because of everything thats been going on, I have even gone so far as to cancel all of my aol accounts, except for one old screen name I have reactivated as my new master screen name. This has actually been in the works for some time, but it is now a completely done deal, thanks to a nice lady at AOL who was kind enough to help on the technical support end. The old account is now completely cancelled, and my name taken off of it. I changed all the passwords just before I did it, hopefully with any luck, he will not be able to reactivate it and cause me further problems.

Other than that not much is going on, a lot of housework and trying to get things organized. This place is really small and gets cluttered up pretty easily. The worst thing about it is the almost total lack of storage space. I have no bed, so all of the boxes of stuff that I havent found a place for are sitting in my room. The walls are old, and made from sheetrock and plaster, so I can't hang shelves and have to be very careful about hanging any pictures at all. The kitchen is painted 4 different extremely horrid clashing colors at the moment. I so have to buy paint for in there when I get paid again, it's driiving me crazy.

I'm sure those of you who have visited know I have been going through a very difficult time this last month or so. I deleted the old files and moved my journal I hope as a way to leave the past behind just a little and start to move on. I know it would only be more difficult with reminders like my old journal staring at me every day. For my friends, please add me to your lists again, don't feel the need to hide me. I honestly don't care if he finds my new journal or not now. If he can't deal with my honesty, then he has issues of his own, within himself to deal with. All I can do now is write what I feel now without apology. I know I can't banish him from my mind, and pretend that he never existed, but, like so many of my online friends have reminded me, I can choose not to let what he has done control me any longer.

Whitney and I are fine. I finally got the pots and pans replaced yesterday. I made a big dinner last night. I guess out of habit I made too much. About half a dozen friends off of the net offered to come over and eat the leftovers LOL. Sorry, you are all too far away, and pork chops just don't e-mail well. It's so nice to be able to cook again after all this time of having to exist off of what I could make in the microwave. The next order of business is to save up enough money to replace my bed. The couch is comfortable, but it still isn't quite the same. It is however, better than the floor.